The story of how we "ended up in prison" is one we're often asked to tell, and we think this column (first published in February 2013) does a good job of doing that …
| Coming up with this month's topic and title was easy. Figuring out how to explain it may be a little more complicated. |
| No kidding. Every time we meet with Chaplain Watkins and she tells us about the men she works with and how they've reacted to our book, I'm left speechless. |
| That, in itself, is fairly amazing. |
|
Cute. But if anyone had told us when we wrote our book that it would end up in a men's prison and that offenders would not only be reading the book, but enjoying it, learning from it, and sharing the lessons in it with their families, I'd have said they were crazy.
|
| I believe that is what you called me when I told you that we were going to be speakers at the National Prisoner's Family Conference last February. |
| No. I thought you were kidding. Remember, YOUR business plan was that the book would be the basis of a sitcom. Not a Texas-approved textbook. |
| That might not have been our plan but, as you know, life rarely goes according to plan. |
|
There's an understatement. But at the time, I thought it was just another one of your "outside the box" ideas. Way outside the box. However, once we spoke at the conference, and started learning more about the prison world, I realized there was a huge need for this information.
|
| You are conveniently forgetting that initially you were fairly negative about it. |
| Yes, I was. My attitude was that prisoners had done something wrong, so they deserved to be in prison. I had no desire to help them. My heart was with the students, and trying to get our book and its "real life" lessons into the schools. |
| I understand. I would venture to guess that most people feel that way. On the surface, it seems logical. |
| Of course, you saw it differently. |
| Maybe more pragmatically. And then I started doing research. What really got my attention was the Children's Defense Fund's, "Cradle To Prison Pipeline" report. It explains all the contributing factors that feed that pipeline. And how education is a critical key to changing the trajectory of these lives. |
| What got my attention was the concept that you can calculate how many prison beds will be needed in the future based on children who can't read on grade level by the fourth grade. |
| It makes perfect sense … once you stop and think about it. |
| But it's not something you would typically think about. But then again, you rarely do the typical thing. Like the time you asked me what I was doing on a Friday night, and I thought you wanted to go to a movie. It never dawned on me that you were inviting me to "go to prison" with you and the founder of Wings Ministry. |
| And you found every excuse in the book not to go. |
| I'm a single mom. Heading off to a prison is not something I'd feel safe doing. And I wondered about your logic, but didn't want to ask. |
| There is only one way to get first-hand knowledge. I wanted to see what I had only read about. However, I was not prepared for what I discovered. |
| I remember you telling me that it was like a scene out of the old "Get Smart" TV series, with the long corridor and the locking doors. |
| Architecturally, it was built in 1908 and is beautiful. Although initially intimidating, once I met some of the men it became very "human." They were truly appreciative of my being there, as so many of them feel the outside world has forgotten them. And once the chaplain heard about our book she was anxious to read it. |
| What I still find hard to believe was that she mentioned that Stringfellow Unit is the only prison in Texas that has a kosher kitchen! I remember telling you that in this instance, G-d was not being subtle. There was clearly a reason that this was the first prison you ever visited. |
|
I believe the word is beschert.
|
| Well, a lot has happened since then. Chaplain Watkins not only had our book/program "approved," but also completed two pilot book clubs with 50+ men, and has already started a third. Even Sawyer, who is only 10, was surprised by the feedback from the men who have completed the program. Her exact quote was, "Wow!" |
| What I find fascinating is how many of these men are connecting the dots between how not understanding personal finance causes stress, and then realizing how it can lead to drugs and/or alcohol. And how "all of the above" contributes to bad decisions. |
| Obviously, they're finding the "life lessons" I learned as a 40+ year-old to be extremely important as they're saying they want to share the book with their families. I'm moved by their statements that they want their wives, their children, to learn what they're learning. |
| Well, according to Chaplain Watkins, their actions are matching their words. They are writing home about it, and a few even said they were going to send the book home. |
| I know. But my favorite story is the man who now turns off the water when he brushes his teeth. It sounds like such a small thing, but it says so much once you learn that he's doing it to because he recognizes he'll be living with someone when he gets out and doesn't want to waste their money. He wants to start today to make it a good habit for the future. |
| It is all about taking control of your life, versus letting your life control you. It is what I told you when Nick got fired. And it is what we tell students. |
| But in this case, I can't help but wonder how many lives are being touched – not only the offenders, but their families, their friends, their communities. Not to mention, what if some of the men who have read our book now start making better decisions. And once released, don't return to prison. |
|
Exactly. Just imagine the money that would save taxpayers. The cost of Texas state prisons is about $22,000 per person per year, which works out to $60 a day. Our book costs less than half a day in prison. So if it has the potential to actually make a difference in their lives and their future decisions, it seems like a small investment … with huge upside potential. To me, it is a no-brainer.
|
|
I was thinking more about the family environment, but your numbers make perfect sense. Unfortunately, just because something makes sense, doesn't mean it's going to happen. Just take a look at the education system. And what we've been trying to do for over three years now with limited success.
|
| I know. It is extremely frustrating. But one day it will be ironic. |
| What do you mean? |
| Besides the fact it is much cheaper to educate than incarcerate (average cost for a year of public education in Texas is about $8,700 per student compared to the $22,000 cited above; nationally, the numbers are around $11,000 and $31,000, respectively), one day I expect to ask the question, "Why is it that these critical life lessons are being taught in prisons, but not in our schools?" |
| Well, that should get Austin's attention. |
| Austin? I was thinking Washington, D.C. And, it needs to do more than that. It needs to get everyone's attention. Especially voters. |
Chapter 10: So You Think Staying At Home Isn’t A Full-Time Job?
Red had never thought about all the things she did as a mom as anything more than, well, being a mom. Juggling a million and one things, all of which seemed to be a priority (if not to her, then to others). Putting out daily fires, trying to anticipate the next problem before it happened, and keeping life running as smoothly as possible were all part of what she signed up for. And since she had always wanted to be a mom, she never gave any of it a second thought — until the day Black got her thinking about her life in a whole new way.
P.S. - Initially, Red found it hard to believe that what she called “Mom skills” were highly valuable workplace skills. What Black refers to as “soft skills” (don’t get her started on all the other names for them!). Over the years, as we detoured into the education world and the workplace, Red was fascinated by the full impact of what Black had told her in those first months of her crisis. (We even created curricula related to soft skills as they’re demonstrated throughout our book.) But what Red finds most powerful is that soft skills are totally transferable — from the workplace to your personal life, and vice versa.
What I didn’t realize was that I’d never work harder in my life than once I added the responsibilities of being a full-time mom to those of being a wife and a daughter. And now, as I have taken on the management of the family’s finances and the work associated with moving to a new house, my workload has gotten even bigger.
| Just checking in. What’s going on? It sounds like World War III. |
| Let me call you back. |
| Sorry it took me so long to call you back. We were in the middle of labeling Ziploc bags when the girls decided to start fighting over the markers. Then, as I was trying to stop them from arguing, Nick told me that he had promised to paint with the girls, but we were out of watercolors. That’s when you called. |
| Did you get it all resolved? |
| Oh, yes. I told the girls if they didn’t stop fighting, no one was going to get to use the markers, and we wouldn’t go through any more of the scrapbook stuff, which they were really enjoying. They settled down immediately. I told Nick I’d add watercolors to my shopping list, but told him that I’d check to see if I had some extra paint in my secret gift stash. There was, so that emergency was handled and now things are back to being calm. For the moment. |
| Told you so. |
| Told me what? |
Blackassets.rebelmouse.io
red headassets.rebelmouse.io
Black assets.rebelmouse.io 
Red assets.rebelmouse.io | Your job is every bit as demanding as a corporate position and, in fact, you use many of the same skill sets. |
| Dealing with markers and paint? You need to get out more. |
| Me? I think it is you that needs to get out more. First, you motivated the girls to help you with the scrapbooks by making it a game. When they started to fight, you demonstrated negotiating skills. And then you dealt with Nick’s emergency. So you can add “quick decision-making in an ever-changing environment” to your resume, along with your financial and time-management skills. |
| You do know that the way you look at things is NOT normal, don’t you? Not that there’s anything wrong with it since it always gives me something to think about, but it’s certainly different. |
| And now you are demonstrating your communication skills. Questioning my thought process, but buffering it with a compliment. |
| Now you’re being a smart-ass. |
| True, but I bet you praised the girls for helping you with the scrapbook project. In all seriousness, you would make a good office manager. |
| I’m not trying to be an office manager. All those things are just part of being a mom. And they happen all the time. That’s my life. |
| A life full of business skills you are taking for granted. |
Want More?
Don’t Expect A Compliment From A Sarcastic Sister — But Have A Comeback
After decades away from golf, Red decided she wanted to start playing again. On a recent Sunday, after going to the driving range, she met up with Black. And the very first thing Black said to her? “So, are you wearing white pantyhose?” They both laughed, but hours later, Red realized the perfect reply (don’t you hate when that happens?) would have been, “No, but I’m honoring Skin Cancer Awareness Month!" Confused? Then read one of Red's favorite posts ...
I'll never forget the day. It was an "almost" ordinary day out on the golf course with my mom and dad during the heat of a Long Island summer. Now, if "Long Island" conjures up images of stately manors on the North Shore (think "Great Gatsby") or beachfront mansions in the Hamptons (think Robin Leach and his popular show "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"), you can put those out of your head. I'm not talking about some fancy country club golf course, just a regular public course.
I loved the game ever since I learned to play as a teenager, and although I never got to play while at college (Wake Forest, which was renowned for its golf program, with its most famous alumni being Arnold Palmer), I'd try to get out as often as possible when I was home. I wasn't a phenomenal player but had a decent game and natural talent. And most of the time, I hit it pretty straight, so one of the things I enjoyed was walking down the middle of the fairway, pulling my clubs along (no fancy golf carts on this course), appreciating the day and the sport.
On one (very rare) occasion, my sister came back to New York to visit, as she moved out of state as soon as she graduated from business school. She also played golf, but unlike me, who relied on natural ability and played for fun, she worked extremely hard at her game, was overly competitive, and played "business golf". The result was that she was a far better player than me, although I was holding my own on that day.
As Black often says, the scorecard contains only numbers, no editorial. And it would ultimately show that she'd beat me, but as we were each walking up one of the last holes toward our respective balls, in the heat of a late summer afternoon, with the sun at our backs, I was secretly hoping that she'd be proud of me. So, after I hit my fairway shot onto the green, I heard her call out to me, and my hopes were high,
I wasn't sure whether to laugh, cry, or be angry. Or to just roll my eyes as it really was something only my sister would say. And to this day, I'm not even sure if she had even noticed how close I came to beating her and how well I played – "upping" my game driven by her much better game.
But I also know that I can never look down at my very pale legs without laughing just a little at how a lifetime ago (or so it seems), she was so right. Recently, when she treated me to my first pair of Birkenstocks, I stood in the store trying them on, and before she had a chance to say it I told her … Yes, I do look like I have on white hose.
P. S. – I feel it only fair (pun intended) to have a P.S. for a P.S.A. – Long ago, the harm of the summer sun wasn't as well known, but in the years since, we've learned how important sunblock is. Year-round. So, whether you're a redhead who never tans (I used to cycle between being extremely pale and burning red and back again) or someone who does tan, take care of your skin!