Did you ever notice that if you rearrange the letters in “hug” you get … “ugh”?
BANTER BITE BACKSTORY: We started to ask how can something as simple yet meaningful as a hug not get universal acceptance, but then realized that was a ridiculous question because Red thinks about hugs very differently than Black.
Besides the fact both of us describe Red as a warm and fuzzy mom, emphasis on the words “warm and fuzzy”, Red strongly believes that hugs are an integral part of who she is. To the point that Black, as well as Red’s kids, think Red should wear a warning label that a big ole’ mom hug could be coming your way.
And Red’s proud of it, and although hugging comes to her naturally, she believes you can learn to be a hugger. Her challenge was the opposite because when COVID struck, she had to learn how to not be a hugger. But she did laugh (and roll her eyes) at Black’s dilemma,
Before the pandemic, I tried to avoid hugging (you already know I find it selfish – in that it is usually the person who needs a hug who insists on hugging), so COVID was the perfect excuse not to hug people. Now when I avoid hugs, people think I am either a germophobe or overly cautious, neither of which is true. Good thing I do not care what people think.
Red decided not to point out to her sister that she knows Black will hug someone if she feels they need it, or at least let them hug her; however, the body language can be amusing. But it wasn’t until Red had children that she learned Black wasn’t an anomaly and that not everyone needs or wants a hug. Still, she questions how she could have given birth to two daughters, with neither having “inherited” the hugging gene.
The funny thing is Black’s willing to acknowledge that, for most people, hugs represent affection, concern, love, appreciation, or even just the joy of seeing someone. Of course, she had to add the science behind the importance of hugs, including how they can relieve stress, amongst other health benefits. And even mentioned a specific study she found fascinating.
So, given that science supports hugging, Red couldn’t understand why Black still resisted hugging, and when she worked up the nerve to ask, Black explained,
We all know what we should do but often ignore what is best for us. When it comes to hugging, I will sometimes compromise and do it for the other person, so I guess you could say my approach to hugs is … it is better to give than to receive.
Which made Red wonder if Black is the one who should come with a warning label.
Wouldn’t it be great if life came with instructions? Since it doesn’t, we thought a few good reminders could help … so we created this list.
For those who know us, it won’t come as any surprise that we each approach almost everything differently. But after decades of comparing notes, debating decisions, and occasionally driving each other crazy, we’ve learned a few things about getting through life.
Consider this list our practical, slightly (ok, maybe more than slightly) opinionated guide to approaching life.
Use it, tweak it, or trash it. The choice is yours.
- Start somewhere
You don’t need the perfect plan, you need a first step
- Ask why
It’s Black’s favorite question — and where better decisions begin
- Look at things “another way”
Red and Black almost always do
- Don’t confuse feelings with facts
Both matter, but they aren’t the same thing
- Use what helps — ignore what doesn’t
Advice, like shoes, is not one-size-fits-all
- Talk about it (with someone you trust to listen, be honest, and not judge)
Sometimes saying something out loud helps you see it more clearly
- Make a list
Not just because you love lists (that would be Red), but to help you focus
- Expect things to change
The goal may stay the same even when the route changes
- Ask for help
Others can’t help you if you don’t let them know you need it
- Keep moving forward
A small step forward is still a step in the right direction
- Laugh when you can
It may not change your situation, but it can make it easier to face
- Take control of what you can
Accept that some things are not yours to fix
Consider keeping this list handy … different moments call for different reminders.
There’s a funny story behind this photo. And the man who took it.
At the time, Kirby managed all the Jamba Juice locations in Houston, and Black had “accosted” him at one of them because we mentioned Jamba Juice in our book, What I Learned About Life When My Husband Got Fired! Then we ran into him at the Texas Conference for Women, where we were speaking, and Black mentioned that Jamba Juice was an important part of our presentation.
That got his attention. Of course, he wanted to know more. Red looked at Black, wondering if she was actually going to tell him. The story was about Red, who would mindlessly stop at Jamba Juice and buy herself a smoothie and two smaller ones, one for each of her daughters. And this happened at least several times a week.
One day, Red was on the phone with Black while driving to Jamba Juice, and Black nonchalantly asked how much she was spending there every week. Red had no idea. But she did know that she didn’t appreciate the question, so quickly ended the call.
Then she did the math. And she didn’t like the number.
But Black wasn’t telling Red not to buy the smoothies. She didn’t care how many smoothies Red bought. She just wanted Red to know where her money was going — and to make it a conscious decision. Or, as Black would say,
Think before spending.
Kirby thought the story was funny and later made a point of coming to our book signing, where he took this photo. And because Kirby is a brilliant marketer, whenever we did speaking engagements, he made sure we had coupons for free Jamba Juice smoothies to hand out.
Which meant our lesson about thinking before spending came with free smoothies. Not a bad deal.
Long before we had an ABOUT page, readers met Black through the back flap of our bestselling book, What I Learned About Life When My Husband Got Fired!and Got Fired! But a lot has happened since Neiman Marcus launched our book, including countless Red & Black adventures and detours.
Surprisingly, little about Black has changed.
WHAT WE SAID THEN
Black picked the photo, and our book editor summarized Black in about 80 words:
Black is all business. With an MBA in international Finance, she retired before she was 40 from a successful career in the oil and gas industry. She has been involved with The Make-A-Wish Foundation for over 20 years and has raised over $1 million. But without a day job, her life did not provide enough excitement and challenge, so she began racing cars. Black, the ultimate pragmatic, lives in Houston where she approaches everything with high-speed intensity and determination.
WHAT WE DIDN’T KNOW THEN …
We knew Black was all business. We didn’t know that, instead of becoming the basis of a sitcom, our book would take us into the world of education … and then criminal justice.
We knew racing would always be part of Black’s story. We didn’t know that her experiences racing Porsches and Ferraris would inspire countless car and racing analogies about navigating life.
We knew Make-A-Wish mattered to her. We probably should have known that she would still be involved decades later, and that the amount she has raised would continue to grow (it’s now approaching $2 million).
And we described Black as “the ultimate pragmatic.” Well, no update required.
AND THERE’S A STORY BEHIND THE PHOTO …
We have no shortage of stories, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that this isn’t just an ordinary photo. It was taken by artist and sculptor Fletcher Benton in 2003, when he came to cheer Black on during the Ferrari Challenge races at Infineon Raceway in Sonoma, California.
So, how did an internationally recognized artist end up at one of Black’s races? Although neither of them knew it at the time, years earlier, Fletcher and Black had both been racing at the same Porsche event. But they didn’t actually meet until Black started collecting art and spotted his race car at his studio.
And that may be the real story behind the photo — how so many seemingly separate parts of Black’s life have ended up connecting.
A lot has changed since 2009. Black being Black isn’t one of those things.